Most of us have watched too much Star Wars. If you have watched zero Star Wars, congratulations! You have watched a perfect amount of Star Wars. Try not to be fucking annoying about it. This is however, the rock-bottom tier in perfect amounts of Star Wars watching. Maybe though, you would actually like to watch some Star Wars? You may have previously been deterred by annoying fans or cartoon bullshit, and that’s fair. But now there’s Andor, and you have a unique opportunity to watch a perfect amount of Star Wars, in perfect order, with zero cartoon bullshit. Ok almost zero cartoon bullshit.
Step 1. Star Wars
First watch the original movie. Your best bet is probably the Blu-ray remastered version of the theatrical cut. Special editions are tainted by cartoon bullshit.
If you enjoyed the movie, but that’s enough of that for you, congratulations! You have watched a perfect amount of Star Wars. It’s the second-lowest tier but it’s a valid position. If you did not enjoy the movie then you have also watched a perfect amount of Star Wars. Congratulations! Try not to be fucking annoying about it.
Step 2. The Original Trilogy
At this point, you have enjoyed a non-zero amount of Star Wars, and wish to consume more, while still avoiding having to watch any cartoon bullshit. Good news! There are still many hours of Star Wars watching ahead of you. Go ahead and watch Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Again, I would recommend the remastered theatrical cuts.
After completing this trilogy, you can tap out. It’s not a perfect amount but again, “I watched the original trilogy and that was enough for me” is a valid position. But let’s face it, you’re here because you are being told you should watch Andor, which means you need to move on to Step 3, or you will not have watched enough Star Wars.
Step 3. Andor
Start with Rogue One, the prequel to the original trilogy. Ignore the people who will scream at you about this. Yes, the movie concludes the events of the Andor series you will watch afterwards, don’t worry about that. You may still be feeling something of a strange aftertaste from Return of the Jedi. That’s Ewok. Rogue One is your palate cleanser. Trust me, you need this little whiplash in tone and technology (and a tiny little bit of cartoon bullshit) before enjoying two seasons of the best stars to ever war.
Complete the two seasons of Andor, and stop right there. You have now reached a perfect amount of Star Wars. Unfortunately, if you have come this far, you may find that you are actually enjoying Star Wars. Like, a lot, and you want to watch more.
I regret to inform you that life is about to become a lot more challenging for you. From this point forward, it is still possible to watch a perfect amount of Star Wars, but the odds are becoming very high that you will watch too much, as you are about to have to embark on watching Cartoon Bullshit Star Wars.
If you are someone who watched Star Wars to watch Andor, just leave right now. Move on with your life. Don’t look back. Don’t even read the rest of this post, as by doing so you will taint your perfect amount of Star Wars watching by reading too much about Star Wars. People are going insane yelling at us right now, “bUt ThE MaNdALoRiAn”! No. Get out while you still can.
A Rough Guide to Cartoon Bullshit Star Wars
So it has come to this. You have enjoyed watching Star Wars so much, you are willing to risk watching too much Star Wars and are prepared to endure cartoon bullshit. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a bunch of cartoon bullshit. There is a lot of really great Cartoon Bullshit Star Wars out there for you to enjoy, just be honest with yourself that you are enjoying some cartoon bullshit.
Step 1. The Prequel Trilogy
This is the price you pay for entry into the cartoon bullshit universe. You have to watch them now, at this point in the process, you can’t skip them. If you hate it and you tap out, sorry, you watched too much Star Wars. As confusing, painful and boring as these movies may be, there is actually redemption for them to be found in the cartoon bullshit universe, but for this initial investment of suffering to pay off you are going to need to watch A LOT of Cartoon Bullshit Star Wars. Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.
Step 2. Enjoy a bunch of cartoon bullshit
Start with The Clone Wars. I recommend finding an episode skip guide and only watching stuff essential to the plot line. Once you’re a few seasons in it actually improves a lot. Then move on to Rebels, The Bad Batch, etc. At this point you have watched so much fucking Star Wars, you are clearly enjoying it and I don’t need to hold your hand any more. Once the events of the cartoons have caught up with the original trilogy, you can feel free to move on to Step 3 at any time.
Step 3. More Other Cartoon Bullshit
Ok, NOW watch The Mandalorian. It’s great, and you have earned it. All the rest of the shows and movies are now entirely up to your own discretion. Just be aware that most of it is NOT as good as what you have seen so far, in fact some of it is very bad and you will eventually watch something that you think actually sucks. Now you have watched too much Star Wars. Sorry.
Remember, you don’t need to watch any of it. It’s fine. You can just stop watching Star Wars. If you enjoyed everything that you watched, it is a perfect amount. Really though if you made it this far you have enjoyed SO MUCH Star Wars, why would you even care about the amount any more? By now you have probably even gone and formed your own opinions on The Perfect Amount of Star Wars. Congratulations! Try not to be fucking annoying about it.